suck in that gut

i noticed something weird the other day while watching 'whipped,' which by the way is an awesome movie that i'm pretty sure no one else has ever seen or heard of. so in one scene this fat guy is sucking in his gut to make himself look thinner. but here's my question...

how come when you breathe in really deep, your stomach gets smaller, but when you exhale, it gets bigger? shouldn't it be the other way around?? i thought about this on the subway yesterday for like 10 minutes lol. its kinda like how when you hold your breath for as long as you can, you end it by breathing all that air out, not by breathing in more air. weird.

similarly, i notice lately how when i lay down to go to sleep, im usually not very tired at all. but when i wake up in the morning, i am dead tired. shouldnt you be tired before sleep and then alert once you wake up?? god clearly made some mistakes when he designed us.

the pacific northwest

as you may or not know, my cousin and i are on the extremely ambitious and flaming quest to travel to the extreme points of the country. in september of 2006 we drove to west quoddy head, maine, the easternmost point in the country



in july of 2007 we trekked to angle inlet, minnesota, the northernmost point in the country



next up: cape alava, washington, westernmost point, aka extreme roadtripping part 3 of 4. i also planned to enter the states of washington, idaho, and montana for the first time.

flew into vancouver, our flight was from 11pm to 1:40am, so basically a red-eye in the opposite direction. i found this interesting. got a bad first impression of vancouver when we lied to down to sleep in the terminal and someone tried to steal my cousins bag, then claimed that he was 'just making sure everyone is paying attention to their stuff.' bitch please.

first observation about washington state, people drive SLOW, almost painfully so. i feel like everyone lives in slow motion out there. on the way out to the cape we ate at a subway with only one guy working, making everyones subs and working the register. it took 20 minutes to get my crappy spicy italian sub.

we had to hike 3 miles through a forest to get out to the ocean. one thing we kept seeing - and i saw a lot at the grand canyon also - is people come on these easy hikes wearing all this hiking gear and their two little stupid hiking poles. man people are such panzees these days. if you cant walk up a slight incline for 3 minutes without hiking poles you forfeit all potential respect from me.

heres what the westernmost point in the continental US looks like. its as boring and non descript as you would think. and there were about 21,937 tiny little flies on that rock.



the pacific ocean is really crappy out here. its dark and damp with no waves and murky water. the beach is full of dead trees and wood washed up on the shore.

that nite we hit up safeco field. side note real quick: one time i was talking to someone about my upcoming germany trip, and i said we were planning on hitting up a concentration camp, and they got offended. haha, i mean i can see why, i just found it kinda funny tho.

safeco is my 16th stadum been to, possibly the best one. and the town of seattle is awesome too. everything is so nice and clean and colorful and upbeat. altho the weather was pretty crappy. we were there in july and it was cold as shit in the mornings.



july 4th, 2008 was probably my worst driving day ever. at like 9am in the middle of nowhere in washington i get caught doing 95 in a 70. and get this, he tells me since it was over 20mph above the limit, its deemed aggressive driving, and if i get caught again within 24 hours theyll impound the car. yikes!! so 206 dollars and 16 hours later, i'm driving home from the bar to our econo lodge like a mile away. literally as i pull into the parking lot i see the cop behind me with his lights on.

so i pull over and park right in front of the front desk of our fucking hotel, with a cop car behind me like a real dope. i had had like 4 beers and wasn't wearing my seatbelt. and i had to stumble around my wallet for 10 seconds looking for my license bc i put it back in a different place after having to take it out for the first damn ticket. im thinking great, first aggressive driving in washington now a DUI in montana. what a day.

so she tells me she pulled me over for doing 38 in a 25. seriously?? if u pulled over everyone that did 38 in a 25 u could erase the national debt. she comes back and asks me where im going tonight. i point to the front desk and say, 'right here,' trying not to laugh. she thinks about it for a second then lets me off with a verbal warning. whew. oh i also flashed her too, that mightve helped.

in glacier national park we got to look at some glaciers, but the funny thing was, theyre not there anymore. al gore was right! the things that were supposedly glaciers looked like regular week-old snow on a hill. i dont know, maybe thats what glaciers look like. if so they are overrated.



on the way back to vancouver we stopped at an A&W in castlegar, BC. the following conversation ensues:

counter girl: sir im sorry but i accidentally charged your card for 244 dollars instead of 24
me: okay, can you cancel it and fix it?
girl: no i cant im sorry
me: okay...
girl: all i can do is give you 220 dollars in cash back
me: well alright then!

so now im loaded with canadian dough, which is like a tiny bit taller than US dollars, so it sticks out the top of your wallet, very annoying. i wonder if they make wallets taller in canada to compensate for this. or maybe people just suffer lots of papercuts.

in vancouver that nite, we were blown away by the hotness of all the girls. i mean good lord. and the best part was they were all super dressed up, but they werent all on their way to the club like these snobby new york girls, they were at the BARS. everywhere you looked. i need to move there.

all in all, 3 more states, 2 more provinces, and another region of the country dominated by the cheifets

next up: eurotrip 08

fatsos on airplanes

okay so since i was recently in college i heard all kinds of stories like this one. a girl is abroad in europe or wherever and is all set to come home. of course since she is a girl she bought a million clothes and has a million things to pack up and ship home. but they get to the airport and find out that each person only has a certain amount of weight in luggage that they can check. and the story always ends with the girl crying on the phone to her dad about how she had to throw away so much stuff.

but my thought is this. most of these girls probably weigh like 120 pounds at most. and they are limited to two 50-pound bags each. but what if some 350-pound fatso shows up and checks a 20-pound bag? perfectly fine. well that's not right. i think there should be a total overall weight limit. if these airlines are gonna sell tickets to fatsos, why cant a slim person bring on a few hundred pounds of luggage?

with a total weight limit of say, 400 pounds, a fatso of 350 pounds could only bring on 50 pounds of stuff. and if he doesn't like it, too bad, lose some weight lardo. and slim people like me can take on whatever they want.

so in one move, i've solved that luggage weight limit problem, and encouraged fat people to lose weight before flying. so now their gross arm fat doesnt spill over into our space.

quotes

when i was a kid we always had this book lying around the house. it was a big book of quotes. famous quotes throughout history, like 'nothing is certain but death and taxes,' and all that. it was always entertaining for about 28 seconds if i got bored.

well i was thinking, how do quotes like that get started? i can understand the ones by authors or whatever, theyre probably just things they had written at some point. but what about someone like thomas edison, he has a bunch of stupid quotes attached to his name. did he just call people to his house one day and say something brilliant and then tell people 'hey that was a quote, write it down and tell everyone else i said it.'

did you have to already be famous to get a quote? i don't see any quotes from regular joes you've never heard of. and who makes the list of official quotes, the kind good enough to get into quote books. if i had a really good quote, how could i get it into a book? i feel like there arent any new quotes coming out lately. the most recent ones are from like 50 years ago.

i think this just goes to prove that people who lived hundreds of years ago were really, really bored.

car accident

so i was hanging out with a few people the other day. and my one friend's younger brother happened to be there. we were all talking and all, and kinda making fun of the kid's brother. just harmless stuff.

but then the older brother says, 'hey don't make fun of him, he almost died in a car accident last year.' so i was surprised a little, but i got to thinking. just because this kid was in a bad car accident he gets immunity from all jokes made about him? what kind of deal is that? sure he probably went through some hard times, but that doesn't buy a lifetime of joke protection.

fat girls

a quick thought today. you know how when girls try clothes on and they ask "does this make me look fat?" well i was thinking, do fat girls ask this when they try clothes on? i mean, i know they try to act like they're not fat, but they know they are.

i think it'd be very funny if some fat girl asked that to one of her friends or her boyfriend.

p.s. maybe they should say, "does this make me look fatter?"

milk

so you know how they put dates on the gallons of milk you buy at the store? well it always says "sell by april 8th," or whatever. well that's all well and good for the people at the store so they know how long to leave it out there, but it doesn't really help you when you're back at home and that gallon is in your fridge.

say you buy one that says 'sell by april 7th.' and you buy it on april 3rd. well if you still have it on april 8th, should you still drink it? or does it go bad on april 7th? probably not, because why would the store still sell it on april 6th if it was just gonna go bad one day later? so in actuality you don't know when it's gonna go bad at all, even though the milk people do. so what they should put on the gallon is "drink by," not "sell by."